Its been awhile

Its been FOREVER since I wrote anything but nothing to crazy has changed.

Life. Its been pretty chill really.

Emily moved to Arkansas to be with her guy, Nic. Who I love. Hes amazing, Im glad she found him!! They are perfect together!! I miss her like crazy tho, she has seriously been my rock through all of this and I know she will always be!! I went and visited her for the week of April 2, It was a tough weekend. But we got through it together!! It honestly just felt like another day without him, ya the thought of it being a year was crazy but it didnt feel any different to me then the day before.

My best friend Leah and her husband Corey finallly had little Miss Salem and shes beautiful, I cant wait to meet her!! My best friend Kelsey and her husband Nathan came home for a few days in April so we could have the baby shower for Shawn. Me and Kelseys mom, Sheri, got it all decorated and everything turned out really well. I cant wait for July, I plan on spending the month with them in NC!! :)

Im trying to think what all has happened to me since I last wrote. Nothing to crazy! I finished school and passed everything so I was really happy about that!! Still dont know what Im going for or what I wanna do with my life. But Im soo ready for summer and to see what life has in store for me!!!

The Friend Part

This ones pretty intense! Ive been wanting to vent this for awhile now!!!

I have alot of friends and they each mean the world to me. I would do anything for almost all of them. Until April 2, 2010 happened. Slowly after that day I started to get to know the real side to people, including myself, but I still remained friendly but knew not to go out of my way anymore for alot of them. Well its almost 11 months later and it blows my mind how much things have changed with just my "friends". This time last year I had 4 best friends with me in Hawaii and 2 back home in Indiana. And on most days Im lucky if I feel like I have one.

I know my situations isnt easy and i only know it from the "widow" spot not the "friend of a widow". I know its hard to know what to say to me sometimes but when you feel like you dont have your best friends anymore, It makes it 100 times harder. Yes, I still talk to them from time to time, but I can tell its different & that sucks!!! I dont even get the same looks I used too. Its like Im a zombie and Im gonna eat them or something. (Yes I really feel that way, sometimes)

My friends all have their husbands, I know this, & Im fine with it. No one knows why God choose me and curtis but he did. Sometimes I wonder if they just feel bad because they still have their husbands, then sometimes i wonder if we were only friends because our husbands were. I thank god all the time that my friends still have their husbands, Im so glad for that!!! I miss Curtis and yeah Id love for him to be here. Honestly, thatll be like the best damn thing ever!!!! But instead I am alone and still 11 months later need my best friends more then they think I do!!! But like i said I dont know the "friend of a widow" spot so I try not let it get to me, but Im just tired of acting like everythings fine!!!

Its 2011.....

I started school this week. Monday and Tuesdays. I seem to like most of my classes.
The next 9 months shoud be pretty busy, happy and god only knows what else.
Almost all my friends babies are gonna be due this year & Im very excited for this.
I have my bestie Alyses wedding this year. :)
I should decided if i want to talk to someone about my life. :S
All my friends(minus a couple) will be on the east coast, so thats better then nothing!!!
A realtionship, yes. Trying to decide if I can actually handle one and if im really ready for the full on commitment.
Spending a week in Flordia with RACHEL BLACK :) I cant wait.


My lifes changed. Everyone knows this. But Ive been getting comments about my attitude and how I have anger issues now. The funny thing is, I believe Ive always had anger issues, Im just more out spoken now then I used to be. I will agree I lose my cool alot easier then I used to, but I think its okay. I do try to watch who Im more angry towards, my husband died so I dont think anymore. I just go with whatever, and somehow it usually ends up in anger. I believe I need a new out look on life and thats what Im trying to find. It is gonna take me awhile, because even what most people think arent a big deal and the fact that "its been 9 months, she should be over it by now" (YES, i believe people think that.) Well I believe that 2 years from now I will still have my moments. I dont expect people to understand, its my life and he was the man i planned on spending forever with, so Ill take my time with whatever gets through my way.

I hadnt blogged in awhile and just kinda needed to vent alittle.
and yes this sounds angry but IM FINE!!!!

As time goes on

Ive learned alot about myself and the people around me. Most friends I had before this I dont really have anymore. I have the ones that check in daily, every so often and like once a month. Then I have the friends I just dont talk to at all. Its not really that I stopped caring about anyone, Its just like my ability to try stopped. I know what friends I have and which ones I dont. My best friends (the og's) I dont talk to them that often but I know we will always be best friends and I miss them like crazy, but its not about keeping up with each other all the time, Its being there when it really counts and If I would need to talk I know those girls would be there for me no matter what.

Its almost been 8 months. It still doesnt feel real half the time. I find myself getting jealous about things alot. Not because Im not happy for anyone, Its just that was supposed to be me too and hes supposed to being doing the things w me. Like our first christmas tree, i dont know, just all the little things. But Im sure hes got the best christmas tree up there!! :)

I hate change. I mean I know everyone does, but to much change at once is ridiculous. I dislike it very much!

So Much In One.

Hates how everyone says they MISS each other. Yeah I tell my closet friends & family I miss them alot Ill admit. But as I think about it, I dont really miss anyone like I miss him. Its the kinda miss where it hurts so bad and you know no one else feels the same amount of miss. Curtis was the person I saw myself with forever. We just fit and this sucks.

I was talking to my best friend, Kelsey and I told her I dont understand why at 5 months I felt STRONG and thought I could do this BUT why at 7 months its like its happening all over again. I think back on the deployment and it pisses me off that him being gone has felt like it went faster then that stupid deployment. I just want answers for everything sometimes. He was my best friend, he understood me better then most people, UGH! The day is coming up for the last time i saw Curtis in person :( just another day to think about. The FIRST suck!!!!!!!!!! I really dont understand anything. I feel like I say this alot anymore.

I was looking through pictures today and it made me think about what another widow friend of mine (Rachel Porto, I love you) had said about how her smiles different. & I got to thinking my smiles not only different but when i see those pictures I dont get the same feeling about myself. Im a different person now, like really different. I used to care about things, not sure what they were, but now i can tell its whatever with almost everything.

All my friends are getting pregnant, it makes me wonder if we would have, I like to think he would have came home from the deployment and said lets try, if it happens it happens, but I dont know and that part sucks!! So with everything else is my life now I just set around and think, then wonder what would have happened and whats going to happen. I have always been a person to worry and overthink everything. Its a MILLION times worse now. Will I ever go back to the old me? Will I continue to change? Most days I just want to scream and not care about anything!!!!

Ive been feeling so many emotions lately. Its retarded!!! I love everyone who is putting up with me and continuing to stay by my side through it all!!


& I also wanted to say Congrats to Corey & Leah on Baby Raynor!! and Kelsey & Nathan on Baby Rogers! You guys will be the best parents and I cant wait to meet these little one! <3

This time a year ago

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! yeah i feel exactly like that this week!

Last November we were in Minnesota together for pre-deployment leave. Execpt I was meeting everyone for the first time and was soooo nervous! ha, he loved making fun of me for that!!

And this November Im here, alone. Enjoying myself of course, I love his family, they truely are amazing and the strongest people I know.

We have the Marine Corps Ball tomorrow, Ugh! Last year was my first Marine Corps Ball, and Curtis's too. So it was pretty special. We had so much fun. His cousins,aunts,uncles,parents are the best, and Emily :), yeah shes pretty much my date this year :) I wouldnt have it any other way(well i mean if he was here, but she knows)
Im trying to make the best out of it, I cant decide if I wanna get really hammered and just love it, or if i wanna mope like i do MOST of the time anymore. So ill probably do alittle of both and try my damnest to love life.

Gettin used to it. or Not so much.

I miss cami's. I miss seeing them. I miss seeing him in them.

This time last year I was a new wife. We were spending the little time we had left together before he deployed. Living with Kelly and Tony (thank you guys for that, you will never know how much it meant to us) It was AMAZING being married to Curtis. He was amazing. I love everything we ever did together. 

But Anymore its pictures, after pictures, letters, after letters. MEMORIES. which i wouldnt trade for the world but him actually being here would be better. I know he's in a better place and what he did for his family and this country is a one of a kind thing. but I miss him and wish he was here!

Oh 7 months is approaching and everyday i hate it even more. Nothing gets better with time, I really dont understand that. To me, you just get used to him not being here. You never stop missing him or wanting him here. Just like everything else you just get used to it. or wait, Not so much.