So Much In One.

Hates how everyone says they MISS each other. Yeah I tell my closet friends & family I miss them alot Ill admit. But as I think about it, I dont really miss anyone like I miss him. Its the kinda miss where it hurts so bad and you know no one else feels the same amount of miss. Curtis was the person I saw myself with forever. We just fit and this sucks.

I was talking to my best friend, Kelsey and I told her I dont understand why at 5 months I felt STRONG and thought I could do this BUT why at 7 months its like its happening all over again. I think back on the deployment and it pisses me off that him being gone has felt like it went faster then that stupid deployment. I just want answers for everything sometimes. He was my best friend, he understood me better then most people, UGH! The day is coming up for the last time i saw Curtis in person :( just another day to think about. The FIRST suck!!!!!!!!!! I really dont understand anything. I feel like I say this alot anymore.

I was looking through pictures today and it made me think about what another widow friend of mine (Rachel Porto, I love you) had said about how her smiles different. & I got to thinking my smiles not only different but when i see those pictures I dont get the same feeling about myself. Im a different person now, like really different. I used to care about things, not sure what they were, but now i can tell its whatever with almost everything.

All my friends are getting pregnant, it makes me wonder if we would have, I like to think he would have came home from the deployment and said lets try, if it happens it happens, but I dont know and that part sucks!! So with everything else is my life now I just set around and think, then wonder what would have happened and whats going to happen. I have always been a person to worry and overthink everything. Its a MILLION times worse now. Will I ever go back to the old me? Will I continue to change? Most days I just want to scream and not care about anything!!!!

Ive been feeling so many emotions lately. Its retarded!!! I love everyone who is putting up with me and continuing to stay by my side through it all!!


& I also wanted to say Congrats to Corey & Leah on Baby Raynor!! and Kelsey & Nathan on Baby Rogers! You guys will be the best parents and I cant wait to meet these little one! <3