As time goes on

Ive learned alot about myself and the people around me. Most friends I had before this I dont really have anymore. I have the ones that check in daily, every so often and like once a month. Then I have the friends I just dont talk to at all. Its not really that I stopped caring about anyone, Its just like my ability to try stopped. I know what friends I have and which ones I dont. My best friends (the og's) I dont talk to them that often but I know we will always be best friends and I miss them like crazy, but its not about keeping up with each other all the time, Its being there when it really counts and If I would need to talk I know those girls would be there for me no matter what.

Its almost been 8 months. It still doesnt feel real half the time. I find myself getting jealous about things alot. Not because Im not happy for anyone, Its just that was supposed to be me too and hes supposed to being doing the things w me. Like our first christmas tree, i dont know, just all the little things. But Im sure hes got the best christmas tree up there!! :)

I hate change. I mean I know everyone does, but to much change at once is ridiculous. I dislike it very much!

So Much In One.

Hates how everyone says they MISS each other. Yeah I tell my closet friends & family I miss them alot Ill admit. But as I think about it, I dont really miss anyone like I miss him. Its the kinda miss where it hurts so bad and you know no one else feels the same amount of miss. Curtis was the person I saw myself with forever. We just fit and this sucks.

I was talking to my best friend, Kelsey and I told her I dont understand why at 5 months I felt STRONG and thought I could do this BUT why at 7 months its like its happening all over again. I think back on the deployment and it pisses me off that him being gone has felt like it went faster then that stupid deployment. I just want answers for everything sometimes. He was my best friend, he understood me better then most people, UGH! The day is coming up for the last time i saw Curtis in person :( just another day to think about. The FIRST suck!!!!!!!!!! I really dont understand anything. I feel like I say this alot anymore.

I was looking through pictures today and it made me think about what another widow friend of mine (Rachel Porto, I love you) had said about how her smiles different. & I got to thinking my smiles not only different but when i see those pictures I dont get the same feeling about myself. Im a different person now, like really different. I used to care about things, not sure what they were, but now i can tell its whatever with almost everything.

All my friends are getting pregnant, it makes me wonder if we would have, I like to think he would have came home from the deployment and said lets try, if it happens it happens, but I dont know and that part sucks!! So with everything else is my life now I just set around and think, then wonder what would have happened and whats going to happen. I have always been a person to worry and overthink everything. Its a MILLION times worse now. Will I ever go back to the old me? Will I continue to change? Most days I just want to scream and not care about anything!!!!

Ive been feeling so many emotions lately. Its retarded!!! I love everyone who is putting up with me and continuing to stay by my side through it all!!


& I also wanted to say Congrats to Corey & Leah on Baby Raynor!! and Kelsey & Nathan on Baby Rogers! You guys will be the best parents and I cant wait to meet these little one! <3

This time a year ago

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! yeah i feel exactly like that this week!

Last November we were in Minnesota together for pre-deployment leave. Execpt I was meeting everyone for the first time and was soooo nervous! ha, he loved making fun of me for that!!

And this November Im here, alone. Enjoying myself of course, I love his family, they truely are amazing and the strongest people I know.

We have the Marine Corps Ball tomorrow, Ugh! Last year was my first Marine Corps Ball, and Curtis's too. So it was pretty special. We had so much fun. His cousins,aunts,uncles,parents are the best, and Emily :), yeah shes pretty much my date this year :) I wouldnt have it any other way(well i mean if he was here, but she knows)
Im trying to make the best out of it, I cant decide if I wanna get really hammered and just love it, or if i wanna mope like i do MOST of the time anymore. So ill probably do alittle of both and try my damnest to love life.

Gettin used to it. or Not so much.

I miss cami's. I miss seeing them. I miss seeing him in them.

This time last year I was a new wife. We were spending the little time we had left together before he deployed. Living with Kelly and Tony (thank you guys for that, you will never know how much it meant to us) It was AMAZING being married to Curtis. He was amazing. I love everything we ever did together. 

But Anymore its pictures, after pictures, letters, after letters. MEMORIES. which i wouldnt trade for the world but him actually being here would be better. I know he's in a better place and what he did for his family and this country is a one of a kind thing. but I miss him and wish he was here!

Oh 7 months is approaching and everyday i hate it even more. Nothing gets better with time, I really dont understand that. To me, you just get used to him not being here. You never stop missing him or wanting him here. Just like everything else you just get used to it. or wait, Not so much.

Forever

Theres alot of songs I hear everyday that makes me think of him, of our relationship and our lives together. But this song by Rascal Flatts "Forever" is Exactly about us!!! I love you Curtis.

Oh 6 months ago

It was a Friday Night 6 long, but short months ago.
I dont even know where to begin and say how much my life has changed. Its been crazy. I still wake up and want it to be a dream. I miss him more now then ever. I love when random thoughts about me and him pop into my head. He will always be in my heart and the man who completed me. Those blue eyes and that big nose :) man how i miss that face!!! It still blows my mind that on deployment morning, He looked at me and said "Babe we got this, dont worry I'll see ya in 7 months." He really had no fear!! And I loved that about him. He knew what he had to and he was just being the brave, honest, amazing marine he was!

So being the widow at 6 months.
Everyday is different. Today sucked. The day before was great. You honestly just never know. The people you think can help and cheer you up, really cant! But i still LOVE all you guys!!!

I will give myself credit, Ive done alot more then I thought I would. I've kept my head up and I'll be honest I really think I'm doing alot better at six months of my husbands death, then alot of my friends do with their everyday relationship problems(and NO this isnt meant for anyone person, so dont think that, im just saying this is how I feel.). Weird, and sometimes i think something is wrong with me, but this next thing helps me know that I am normal and I loved my husband more then anything!!!!

Curtis & I didnt get alot of time together, but the time we did, I fell in love with a man that taught me so much. He was honestly one of the greatest people I knew. Besides from all the bad luck we both had, He always told me that no matter how bad it got, someone somewhere had it worse and to always no matter what keep my head up!! So the day I got the news, I remembered him saying that, so I havent let him down yet!!!

Even though these 6 months have passed I still remember him and will always. <3

Memorial Service in Hawaii

On June 18, Curtis's parents, sister, best friend and I, left Minnesota and flew to Hawaii. A week that would forever be remembered as, it all being through back in our faces and a week of wonderful memories with all Curtis's & My friends. His parents had alot of people to meet that Curtis had grew to love while he was in Hawaii. So many people to name, but they all deserve to know that they ALL impacted Curtis's life and our lives sooo much and we will NEVER forget them!!! We spent alot of the time just hanging out and hearing stories about Curtis, the deployment and life after the Marine Corps.

For me, Goin back to Hawaii was hard.
Everytime before when I landed in Hawaii, Curtis was either at the airport or would shortly greet me when he got off work. But as soon as those wheels hit that pavement, I knew this time he WASNT! I started to have a panic attack but decided breathing and staying calm for him was the best thing to do. We got off the plane and I knew my best friends would be there for me & they were. (Kelsey,Nathan,Kelly,Tony,Leah,Sabrina, & McKenna) It meant more to me then anything that they were there for me, for us!!!

The week had alot of laughter and again MEMORIES i will never forget. There was alot of drinking, tears and smiles. The actual service was almost like the funeral ALL over again. HARD isnt even a word to describe it!! When you see all his brothers standing formation and they do roll call and they say his name and he's not there and you know he never will be again, NOW thats a heartbreak all over again!!!! You could see the pain in everyones eyes that day! Curtis was an amazing person and I honestly thank god everyday that he gave me the short time he did with him!!! <3

In a weird way I loved being there, It made me feel closer to him, because HAWAII was our place. Kbay was our home. Thats where I met all my best friends, thats where I became his wife. Its the last place i saw him alive! Where we shared our lasted touch,hug,kiss. Hawaii will always be in my heart, but also a place i hope i never have to return too.

All the guys of 1\3 made that week the best they could for us and i will forever be thankful to them! I love that half of them still keep in touch with me, us!!! and I hope it always stays that way!!!

The First Week After...

I went from Dover to Minnesota with Curtis's family. That week we spent alot of time with news reporters, got our pictures taken left and right, and spend hours talking about Curtis.

Im not really sure what day it was, but this day will forever stand out in my mind. We were all sitting in the kitchen and all of a sudden a car hits a tree in Curtis's parents yard. A girl wasnt paying attention and ran her car up into there yard and took out a tree. A couple marines and the fire department put a new tree in its place soon after. (We all get a good laugh about it now)

This was honestly the longest week of my life. We had to wait til Friday for Curtis to be brought back to Minnesota. Knowing my husband was coming home was awesome, but then reality sits back in and I realized he wouldnt be the Curtis I last saw on Nov. 19. :(

Ohh Where Do I Start?!?!?!

I'm a little over 5 months into this, this being "A Widow".
So here it goess....

On April 2, 2010, It was a Friday night when i found out about my husband. I was at walmart with a friend. I was home visiting my family and friends before what I thought would be the last time I would be home in Indiana until Christmas. I got a text message from my sister in law, Emily, asking what i was up to. So of course i replied just hangin with Alyse. youu? and She asked If i was with my mom. SOOO of course I knew something was WRONG.

I get to my dads, and Yep, TWO marines were waiting to give me the news that forever changed my life. I no longer was a new bride, I had became a widow.

Hours went by that first night, but it still felt like everything was on hold. I knew what had happened was real, but of course I didnt want to believe it. All my best friends and the girls that I had spend the whole deployment with were all still in Hawaii, and I needed them more then ever.

The next day came, and people came over (not really sure who all came, but i know alot of people showed up.) But of course that day went by just like the first night, slow and painful. That Sunday, April 4, Myself and JD(my caco) we headed to Dover, Delaware to meet with Curtis's Parents, Sister and Travis(their caco). A person never wants to go through something like this, but wow, seeing someone you love more then life itself being in a box with a flag over them, now thats something I can honestly say I NEVER want to see again. :(

(I Cant SPELL or WRITE all that well so just go with it)