As time goes on

Ive learned alot about myself and the people around me. Most friends I had before this I dont really have anymore. I have the ones that check in daily, every so often and like once a month. Then I have the friends I just dont talk to at all. Its not really that I stopped caring about anyone, Its just like my ability to try stopped. I know what friends I have and which ones I dont. My best friends (the og's) I dont talk to them that often but I know we will always be best friends and I miss them like crazy, but its not about keeping up with each other all the time, Its being there when it really counts and If I would need to talk I know those girls would be there for me no matter what.

Its almost been 8 months. It still doesnt feel real half the time. I find myself getting jealous about things alot. Not because Im not happy for anyone, Its just that was supposed to be me too and hes supposed to being doing the things w me. Like our first christmas tree, i dont know, just all the little things. But Im sure hes got the best christmas tree up there!! :)

I hate change. I mean I know everyone does, but to much change at once is ridiculous. I dislike it very much!

So Much In One.

Hates how everyone says they MISS each other. Yeah I tell my closet friends & family I miss them alot Ill admit. But as I think about it, I dont really miss anyone like I miss him. Its the kinda miss where it hurts so bad and you know no one else feels the same amount of miss. Curtis was the person I saw myself with forever. We just fit and this sucks.

I was talking to my best friend, Kelsey and I told her I dont understand why at 5 months I felt STRONG and thought I could do this BUT why at 7 months its like its happening all over again. I think back on the deployment and it pisses me off that him being gone has felt like it went faster then that stupid deployment. I just want answers for everything sometimes. He was my best friend, he understood me better then most people, UGH! The day is coming up for the last time i saw Curtis in person :( just another day to think about. The FIRST suck!!!!!!!!!! I really dont understand anything. I feel like I say this alot anymore.

I was looking through pictures today and it made me think about what another widow friend of mine (Rachel Porto, I love you) had said about how her smiles different. & I got to thinking my smiles not only different but when i see those pictures I dont get the same feeling about myself. Im a different person now, like really different. I used to care about things, not sure what they were, but now i can tell its whatever with almost everything.

All my friends are getting pregnant, it makes me wonder if we would have, I like to think he would have came home from the deployment and said lets try, if it happens it happens, but I dont know and that part sucks!! So with everything else is my life now I just set around and think, then wonder what would have happened and whats going to happen. I have always been a person to worry and overthink everything. Its a MILLION times worse now. Will I ever go back to the old me? Will I continue to change? Most days I just want to scream and not care about anything!!!!

Ive been feeling so many emotions lately. Its retarded!!! I love everyone who is putting up with me and continuing to stay by my side through it all!!


& I also wanted to say Congrats to Corey & Leah on Baby Raynor!! and Kelsey & Nathan on Baby Rogers! You guys will be the best parents and I cant wait to meet these little one! <3

This time a year ago

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! yeah i feel exactly like that this week!

Last November we were in Minnesota together for pre-deployment leave. Execpt I was meeting everyone for the first time and was soooo nervous! ha, he loved making fun of me for that!!

And this November Im here, alone. Enjoying myself of course, I love his family, they truely are amazing and the strongest people I know.

We have the Marine Corps Ball tomorrow, Ugh! Last year was my first Marine Corps Ball, and Curtis's too. So it was pretty special. We had so much fun. His cousins,aunts,uncles,parents are the best, and Emily :), yeah shes pretty much my date this year :) I wouldnt have it any other way(well i mean if he was here, but she knows)
Im trying to make the best out of it, I cant decide if I wanna get really hammered and just love it, or if i wanna mope like i do MOST of the time anymore. So ill probably do alittle of both and try my damnest to love life.